(3/7/2012) I haven’t seriously watched a season of American Idol since 2006 and a big congrats to the one and only Idol I voted for, Bo Bice. Though your name is lost in pop culture history, Bo, I still hold belief in your self-hesitated comeback. Bo Bice 2012.
My mother on the other hand, is a dedicated follower of the show, and for one night only, for her, so was I.
And of course, rather than pay attention to the singing, I began thinking about the voting system. If Idol still does this, and I wouldn’t know since I only voted for my one and only man Bo, the Idol thanks you for casting their vote for them.
Plus, I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, JLO has the weirdest shaped eyebrows. It’s the one thing she took in her divorce from Marc Anthony.
Anyway, back to the voting, this is the way that I like to believe that voting is handled*:
It’s that part of the Idol season, March. The American viewing public has sat patiently through the “hilariously” bad and humiliating auditions, waiting for those 12 golden eggs to be selected with hopes of having a less than 50% of actually having a music career. Anyone else remember Diana DiGuarmo? I don’t even know if I spelled her last name right, but that’s how much I don’t care to actually switch the page, use Google, and spell her last name properly. It’s just not going to happen.
It’s finally the big night, the first night on the stage, face to face with the judges. Nervous, sweat and anxiety make a deadly combination for these 12 finalists as they have to prepare for those final notes into their inevitable public future.
Ryan Seacrest has his whitest smile set to sparkle at full blast, suit ironed and tailor perfectly. Of course, not many people knowing, that Ryan owns his own dry cleaners and Men’s Wearhouse in order to monopolize every single market imaginable.
The lights dim, the in house audience silences, the at home audience is on the edge of their seats and the famous opening, music and graphics start a night full of talent and criticism.
The show always goes as planned. Ryan’s small talk with the contestants, the judges comments that all sound the same, and the advertisements.
And at the end of each song, the at home audience sees it. The phone numbers appear at the bottom of the screen each with an extension indicating the lines to call if you would like to vote for a particular Idol.
After the show, the Idols are quickly shuttled back to the the stylish, classy digs that the producers have set them up in. And while some may see the house from the outside as being very relaxing, the inside is the opposite of first perceptions.
There are 2 rooms with 6 beds in each, the pink room is for the girls and the blue room is for the boys. While there are 4 other rooms that could be used as bedrooms, they are full of phones. The information that has been never released is that those aren’t voice recordings responding to fans calling into vote, they are the actual contestants.
The harder the contestant works at answering phones, it usually means that they probably got the most votes. The contestant who doesn’t have to work the hardest, is usually sent home the night after voting. This is all viewed by producers through security camera’s supplied by Ryan Seacrest’s security system company.
The farther a contestant makes it into the competition, the more phones that they are allowed. The busiest night of voting, the night between the final 2 contestants, usually consists of an equal amount of votes. The way that the producers decide which contestant should be the winner of American Idol is by also putting them through a series of challenges, similar to field day in elementary school. Tug-o-war, volleyball match, softball game, dodge ball, potato sack race, pie eating contest, and carrying an egg of a spoon in your mouth (which makes you think about how the events went down with Ruben and Clay).
Whichever contestant is able to succeed at the majority of these challenges, will most likely win the title of American Idol.
This is truly how I feel American Idol should be run.
*this part of the story is completely fictional